Conscientious Debauchery

I WOULD love to stop taking the Guardian so seriously, really I would, but its journalists are always so ridiculously serious. In fact I would even go so far as to speculate that they are serious to the extent of unwittingly inviting some of their more concerned readers to arrange for the occasional straightjacket to be delivered to their head office.

An example of a serious offering? An article in which people intending to visit an orgy without risk of contracting the dreaded coronavirus were advised to take precautions. According to Dr. Muhammad Munir of Lancaster University, who was no doubt highly bemused when asked for his professional opinion by the sex maniacs at the Guardian, "coronavirus is not a sexually transmitted disease."

Whilst I'm sure that at least one person will have maintained a self-imposed regime of celibacy ever since the word 'Wuhan' first popped up on the media radar, for most of us this superfluous medical observation did not come as much of a surprise. Nonetheless, Dr. Munir continued to state the bleeding obvious:

"But as during sex there is very close contact between two individuals, the chances of someone contracting the virus from another infected person is almost 100% specifically due to the kissing involved."

Orgiastic participants don't really kiss, surely? I thought they were there for the cheap yoga. The Guardian concludes this fascinating account by explaining that

"Munir would advise anyone planning on throwing an orgy in an area with confirmed coronavirus to think twice."

Doctor or not, I doubt anyone called 'Muhammad' would be too grateful to the Guardian for making him sound like a world authority on mass copulation, but no doubt the readers - struggling to digest this information amid a writhing spaghetti mountain of flesh and fluids - were eternally grateful for these words of advice.