Messing with the Wrong People

SOMETIMES, I like to amuse myself by appealing to the exorbitant greed of the online spammer. I will tell them I’m a serial killer, for example, questioning whether a psychotic lunatic such as myself deserves to receive so much free cash from the Government of Zimbabwe (or whomsoever the generous benefactor happens to be). I will, on the other hand, always offer to babysit. On other occasions, I will respond to the manufactured demands of desperate women who want to know why I haven’t been answering their emails by reminding them that I haven’t forgotten their endless bouts of flatulence, or irritating tendency to leave the cap off the toothpaste tube.

It’s all very silly, of course, but this time I took things one step further and began corresponding with someone (possibly in Nigeria) who wished to give me $1,500,000,000. It’s awfully nice of them, I thought, so why not reply and say how grateful I am? I eventually managed to strike up a conversation and promised to share some of the money with the person arranging the transaction, simply for being so helpful. She even wrote back to say how generous I am, although the person in question won’t be too pleased when they realise that ‘Mr. Spasdosky’ of Lower Manhattan - not to mention his address, mobile number and account details - is completely fake.

Interestingly, I was taken through to the final stages of this disreputable practice and before they realised I had sold them a dud I received the fateful email telling me that the huge sum of money had now been deposited in an American branch of Lloyds Bank. That was a strange moment. I can only imagine the feeling of clicking on the link to discover that it doesn’t go anywhere and they have stolen the very shirt off your back. The only consolation, I suppose, is that my fictitious correspondent won’t be getting any of my fictitious cash.