Somewhere in Jerusalem

IT was announced, at the beginning of the infamous Covid affair, that the Israeli regime was tapping into the mobile phones of its subjects in an effort to contain the spread of the virus. Allegedly, at least. I would imagine there were all kinds of interesting things going on.

CALLER: Hello, is that Mr. Cohen?

COHEN: Who’s calling, please?

CALLER: Can you confirm that you are Joshua Cohen of Haim Sireni Street, Jerusalem?

COHEN: Yes, I am. Now who is this?

CALLER: Ah, good. My name is Solly Goldblatt and according to our sources you have the virus?

COHEN: I can’t say I’ve ever heard of you, but if this is part of the Prime Minister’s efforts to control the virus by collecting our cellphone data then I’m perfectly happy to co-operate.

CALLER: We understand that you’ve not only got the virus but that you’ve been infecting others for quite some time.

COHEN: What are you talking about?

CALLER: Have you or have you not been rubbing shoulders with members of the World Zionist Organisation?

COHEN: Yes, I have, but none of us have been infected by the virus. In fact we have special immunity.

CALLER: Immunity?

COHEN: Yes, we developed the damn thing! It can’t touch us! We’re not called ‘The Chosen Ones’ for nothing, you know!

CALLER: ...’aint that a fact!

COHEN: Don’t be so impertinent! How on earth did you get a job with the Israeli Government?

CALLER: Who said I worked for the Government?

COHEN: Then who are you? I demand to know!

CALLER: I work for a vaccination company called Neturai Karta.

COHEN: I told you, idiot, I’m not infected!

CALLER: Oh, but you are, sir. Terribly infected.

COHEN: Well, I don’t have any of the symptoms...

CALLER: I disagree...

COHEN: ...no coughing, no temperature, no problems breathing...

CALLER: I think we have our wires crossed, sir. The symptoms I have detected include occupation, colonialism, torture and assassination.

COHEN: You’ll end up behind a wire yourself if you f*** with me, you cretin! I don’t have the coronavirus, it’s a Gentile thing!

CALLER: Coronavirus? I’m talking about the Z-virus, sir.

COHEN: What the hell...?

CALLER: Please be patient, Mr. Cohen, one of our special doctors will be there to treat you in about thirty seconds.

COHEN: Treat me with what? I’m not sick!

CALLER: You’re very sick indeed, sir. Not to mention awfully twisted. But don’t worry, our revolutionary ventilator will soon cure you of the virus once and for all.

COHEN: Ventilator?

CALLER: Yes, it’s often described as an Uzi submachine gun and fires around 600 rounds per minute.

COHEN: ..............

CALLER: Was that the doorbell, sir? You’d better go and attend to it. Have a nice day!