The Complaint
CHINATOWN, London
Chinese shopkeeper: Good morning, Sir. Can I help you?
English customer: You certainly can. I would like to return something. I am completely dissatisfied with it.
Shopkeeper: I’m sorry to hear that. May I see it?
Customer (removes mask and leans into shopkeeper’s face): COUGH! COUGH!
Shopkeeper: What the hell are you doing!?
Customer: I’m returning this virus. I’m just not happy with it and would like my money back.
Shopkeeper (wipes phlegm from face, examines it closely and shrugs): I’m awfully sorry, but I can’t give you a refund. This virus appears to have been manufactured in the United States. May I interest you in our new SARS range? It’s a Guangdong authentic, 2002 vintage.
Customer: Damn and blast! So no Covid-19 variant in stock at all, then?
Shopkeeper: I’m afraid not, it’s rather difficult to get hold of these days. Mind you, a nice American gentleman did try to sell us a suitcase of the stuff just last week. In fact he almost left without taking the suitcase with him.
Customer: Fine. Then I clearly have no choice but to make do with the virus I have.
Chinaman: Hang on a second... how about a nice dose of Salisbury nerve-scrambler? Fresh in from Moscow this morning.
Customer: I’ll take it...